Fangirl Fantasy 1
by abbyjenna
Summary: Cowritten with Love's Labours Won. FF7/Fullmetal Alchemist crossover. All our favorite people fall into our world, and madness ensues! You know you want to read it! Come on! 'Tis crazy fun! Chars/Us, be warned. A/N: Don't like, don't read.
1. So it Begins!

Fangirl Fantasy

"Monique, please ensure that sector 56 of building 3 is firmly sealed. There is an unknown disturbance in the loading dock. Please ensure that no one enters... and get the Weapon out of there."

Sephiroth sat cross-legged in his cell, staring at the heavy metal door as if his eyes would melt it. In fact, that was what he was imagining at the moment. He concentrated, narrowing his grey-blue eyes at the bolt just to the right of the door handle.

"CRASH!" Sephiroth's eyebrow twitched, but he was by now so used to hearing unusual noises in ShinRa's headquarters at any given time of day or night that it did not much bother him. Who knew what they were doing now.

A loud yell cut through the regathered silence, echoing on and on without much sign of abating. Sephiroth stirred in an irritated manner, slowly getting to his feet. He cleared his throat.

"What precisely is causing that hideous caterwauling?" he called softly. The shrieks suddenly stopped, dying into some sort of gasping moans. "Is someone taking their last breaths out there?" There was no reply.

Footsteps sounded through the hall, the echoes reverberating through the cool metal walls. If this person had done what Sephiroth was theorizing that he had done, perhaps he could be coerced to let him out... with some empty promises of support and power.

"Who is out there?" The footsteps instantly ceased. "I hear you out there... whatever are you here for?" There was still no reply.

"You do know that I am not fooled in the least by this silly pretense that you have teleported," he continued, "and that I can press a red button right in front of me at any time and summon at least thirty armed personnel."

The person sighed. "Dang you, Sephiroth."

Sephiroth smiled slightly. "Why, hello, Cloud. What a pleasant surprise. Surely you brought me some tea and crumpets."

"Come out here and say that to my face, you silver-haired wench."

"My, my, what a temper. I am rather sorry that I cannot fulfill your request."

"Why not?"

"Has it never occurred to you that I might be _locked in_?"

"Yuffie, come here. Please get the helpless girly-man out of his cage for me."

"I am exercising the full extent of my powers of self-control in not responding to that remark."

"You just did, moron."

"You guys! I can't think with you yelling like that! Do you want to get him out or not?"

Cloud grumbled under his breath, but he nodded.

Yuffie worked silently for a moment, humming a bright tune. She paused, turned the handle, leaned against the door, and with a screech, the door began to open.

"SLAM!!" The door crashed against the wall, bringing Yuffie with it. "Eeek!" she yelled. Sephiroth stepped over the dazed girl and into the hallway.

"Nice to see you again, Sky-boy. Unfortunately, I am not armed at the moment, so our feud shall have to wait until a more opportune time."

"Shut up!" shouted Cloud, dropping his sword. "Have you never heard of fist-fighting?"

"I have heard of this 'fist-fighting' of which you speak, but only as a rather mean sort of entertainment performed for the benefit of drunkards in bars."

A dull glow began to appear behind Sephiroth's head, growing brighter and brighter, but Cloud took no notice.

"Um, Cloud?" asked Yuffie, staring at it, but Cloud seemed a little preoccupied.

"You'd better take that back, prissy! You know, I'm really sick of this high-and-mighty talk you pull all the time! That's probably why no one can stand you."

Yuffie's eyes widened. "Cloud?" The two contestants in the shouting match took no notice of her.

Sephiroth's eyes flashed angrily. "YOU IDIOT!!

"Ooh, look, Mr. Smarty-pants is mad!" Cloud sing-songed, putting his fingers up on his head like antennae.

"Cloud, stop it! I'm scared!!"

Cloud took his hands down, a confused frown coming across his features. Sephiroth just stared at her. "Scared?" Cloud asked. "Why would you be--"

The glow exploded into a blinding flash of light, and Cloud, Sephiroth, and Yuffie were gone.


	2. FMA: Bad day! Bad day!

Fangirl Fantasy

Edward Elric was having a very bad day. He'd been called short ten times, brutally kicked through the air seven times, stabbed twice, had his automail crunched, been swung through the air by his ponytail, and called pipsqueak twenty-seven times... and all that just courtesy of Envy. He didn't even want to think about the rest... (hit in head by Winry with wrench, four times, tripped over by Barry the Chopper, once, patted on the head by Roy, twice, forced to drink milk by Al, three times, given a shot, mercifully just once, hugged by Gluttony, once although his brain had blocked that particular traumatic experience, and to top it off, early-morning automail maintenance)

"Dang it," he growled, sipping his cold drink at the patio bar. "if one more thing, just ONE MORE THING happens, I'll knock Roy's block off. We'll see how _he_ likes automail!"

"Brother... that's kind of violent... I thought you didn't like people like that."

"HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF ARTISTIC LICENSE!!"

"Brother...?"

"Gr..."

Al decided that Ed needed some quality _alone_ time. As he walked down the street, Winry waved to him.

"Hey, Al! Where's Ed?"

"He's... that way, but I wouldn't bother him right now... he was considering becoming a homicidal maniac when I left."

"Eh?" Winry made a strange face. Homicidal maniacs were a touchy subject after the Barry the Chopper incident.

"Never mind that," said Al, picking up on her discomfort. "Would you like to come to the bookstore with me?"

"Sure thing, Tin-Man," Winry smiled at her joke.

"Not anymore," Al laughed, and the two set off down the street..

Meanwhile, Ed's scowl grew deeper and deeper the more alcohol he consumed.

"Boy, did today stink," a voice a few chairs down commented. Ed perked up a little at the prospect that someone might have had a worse day than he.

"First, my mom makes me babysit this little brat, and he breaks all my stuff. Then, when I try to whoop his butt good, _his_ mom flies into a rage and beats the stuffing out of me. _Then_, I run into my worst enemy and he ends up running away before I'm done _punishing_ him, and _then_ I go to a bar to try to relax a little, and ALL THEY HAVE TO DRINK IS THIS PINA COLADA STUFF!!" The tall, long green-haired fellow was now shouting at the top of his lungs at the poor bartender, who was cringing in the corner of his wine rack.

Ed stood up. "Don't take it out on _him_ that you didn't get to kill me today!"

Envy turned to look at Ed with a an expression that said quite clearly, "You are a pain in the butt."

"And I thought this day couldn't get any worse... drunken alchemists now think they can challenge me, who is, unfortunately, stone cold sober, due to the fact that this stupid little tourist trap doesn't sell the only thing that can even relax me-- pure vodka."

"Aw... poor you," retorted Ed sarcastically. "You sure are whiny today."

"Watch it, pipsqueak."

"WHOAREYOUCALLINGSOSHORTTHATHESLEEPSINAWALNUTANDGETSLOSTINIT!!"

"You."

Ed, regardless of sobriety, rushed at Envy with all the speed his tottering form could manage.

"This is too easy to be any fun," complained Envy as his foot connected with Ed's face... and he screamed as a flash of light blinded everyone in the street.

Once everyone had finished rubbing their eyes... they noticed that Ed and Envy were gone.

TBC...


	3. LITTLE BROTHER!

Fangirl Fantasy

A/N: Jenna--abbyjenna; Lois--Love's Labours Won

"Jenna, you have remained single for much too long. I cannot allow it. If you cannot find yourself a suitable mate, I just may have to arrange a blind date." Lois clearly meant what she said.

"None of your busi--"

"CRASH!!" There was a distinct possibility that the shed outside was no longer standing.

"OW!!" more voices than the two girls were comfortable with hearing in their backyard with no warning chorused.

Jenna ran outside to see what was going on. Lois got a baseball bat and flashlight first, then ran outside.

"OH MY GOSH!! LITTLE BROTHER, IT'S SO GOOD TO SEE YOU!!" screamed Jenna while Lois surveyed the scene of destruction.

Cloud carefully pulled himself out of the squirming mass of fallen people... just in time to be tackled by Jenna.

"IT'S BEEN SO LONG!!" she sobbed loudly.

Cloud fought the urge to scream like a little girl. He thought he had never had such a horrible dream in his life.

"Get...off..me...NOW!!" Jenna looked confused, but she did as he told her.

"Little brother?" she asked, perplexed.

"Who are you?" Cloud would have looked much more intimidating if he had not been shaking like Jello.

"I'm your big sister!"

"What? How is that even possible?"

"ShinRa."

"Oh... what kind of whack job stuff was it this time?"

"Dimensional warps..."

Cloud smiled and instantly realized... that random person he'd kept remembering was Jenna! He hugged her, and they cried.

Meanwhile, it was becoming clear to the others that Cloud had gone insane. Red XIII, Yuffie, Tifa, and Vincent, being the few who actually believed it, began to cry hard, while Cid, Rufus, and Barrett looked worried and Sephiroth laughed loudly.

"Wait, wait, all of you! I have my birth certificate from Gaia!" cried Jenna, wildly waving a paper in the air.

"Let me see that," ordered Sephiroth, grabbing it before she could give consent.

"Hey!" There was a long pause while Sephiroth read.

"It appears valid," he said briefly.

"Can we pass it around?" Yufie asked. Sephiroth wadded it up and threw it at her head.

"Hey!" Jenna yelled. "That's important!"

"Not to me." Sephiroth shrugged his shoulders, his long hair swishing back and forth.

"You look effeminate when you do that," Rufus remarked.

"He does not!" Jenna exclaimed.

"Since when did you care?" asked Cid.

"Shut up."

Red XIII laughed.

"Why, you little--" Cid ran at Jenna, but Vincent held him back.

"She is obviously not a fighter," he remarked. "I cannot allow you to hurt her."

"Why not?" asked Sephiroth. "That would be amusing."

Vincent shot Sephiroth a dirty look.

"SLASH!" a dai-katana whooshed through the air above Cid's head.

"If you _want_ to fight, I'm perfectly willing," Jenna said.

"Would you put those away," said Tifa in an annoyed voice.

"Yeah," said Yufie. Everyone looked at her, surprised. "Given the fact that we know nothing about this opponent, and whether we we are outmatched, and accounting for the fact that we might not want to hurt our only acquaintance in this dimension..."

"She is correct," Sephiroth cut in. There was a collective gasp. Sephiroth opposed to fighting? "We know nothing of the laws of this universe. Thus, it would be wise to recruit a guide."

Lois spoke up for the first time in all this chaos. "You might not want to suffocate my friend, Mr. Strife." Cloud looked confused, and then loosened his his almost strangling grip on Jenna. "Mr. XIII, please refrain from laughing at me. No weapons will be required in this house, Mr. Sephiroth. They will be stored on Jenna's sword rack and not used. Also, given your respective ages, it may be in your best interests to go shopping for school supplies."

"WHAT!!" the entire gang screamed, except for Sephiroth, who does not scream loudly in a group... or ever. He merely indulged in a sweatdrop. Everyone looked at each other.

"Yay! I'm a teenager again! I can do whatever I want!" Cid screamed exuberantly.

"That kind of language will not be tolerated in this house, Mr. Highwind." Cid sweatdropped while everyone else laughed at him.

"Well, in my room, you guys can do whatever you want, and the basement is open for sparring if you guys need it!" Jenna offered. Lois rolled her eyes. "Weapons dulled, of course," Jenna added. "I don't want to clean up blood or take any of you to the hospital."

"I am _not_ dulling Masamune," Sephiroth said firmly, grabbing it from Barrett, who had been trying to steal it when the flash of light appeared.

"Then I'll do it for you!" Jenna shouted.

"You... will... _not_." Sephiroth's voice was venomous. Lois removed it from his grasp while Jenna put her dai-katana to his throat. Everyone gasped.

"Yes... I... _will_." Jenna said. "Also, I made something for you." Lois went inside and got a _long_ leather sheath.

"Fine," Sephiroth spat, "but I will refrain from fighting rather than dull Masamune, if you please." There was a long pause. "And thank you." He seemed to be carefully masking his expression, but it was rather obvious that he liked the sheath-- he tied it on immediately.

"Yay!" Yuffie screamed "Sephiroth's happy, and we get a sleepover!"

Sephiroth's answering glare clearly questioned her intelligence.

"I'm tired," remarked Red.

Lois stood. "Come inside then, everyone, but please comply with the weapons policy. Also, we usually make our animals sleep outside." She looked at Red pointedly.

"I'm not an animal," Red said in a sad voice. Lois looked guilty.

"Never mind," she said. "Red... I'm sorry."

"No big deal; lots of people think that when they see me," Red replied.

Lois smiled. "Jenna? Where are the blankets? We'll need quite a few."

TBC...


	4. Envy's Strawberry!

Fangirl Fantasy

Jenna woke early, not quite sure that the night before had not been a dream... but Red XIII' s hair all over the house quickly convinced her otherwise. She wandered into the kitchen, stepping over several people, and found Sephiroth looking out the window.

"Hi," she said.

"Hello," he replied. They stood like that for a moment, and then Sephiroth leaned over and kissed her cheek.

"Hey? What was that for?" Jenna didn't seem angry; she was just surprised.

"I wanted to say thank you for the sheath... and I thought you might like it, since..."

"Since what?"

"Well... you and your friend were staring at me last night... and I cannot deny that I do have a certain charm with the ladies."

"Don't act so sad; I really like you!"

"Of course you do." He sounded a little bitter.

"I know that you're a little defensive, what with all that you've been through, but you don't have to act like that around me. You--"

"Have heard that before as well. By the way... you seem to know a lot of classified information about me. Why is that?"

"Well, there's this game called Final Fantasy VII, and... you're in it."

"I have a game now?"

"It's actually pretty old... why don't I show it to you?" She walked to the living room, pulled it out and started playing it.

"Er... that doesn't really look like me," was the first thing out of his mouth.

"It's old," Jenna protested. "Cut it some slack. They didn't have the graphic technology that they do now. In fact, these are the best graphics there were at the time."

"You're cute," he said.

Cid's eyes shot open. "Did... Sephiroth... just... say..."

"CRASH!!"

Lois stumbled into the room. "Oh, not again," she groaned. For all her intelligent vocabulary, she was only human. She sighed. "Come on, Jenna,"she groaned. "Let's see who it is this time."

"You go," was Jenna's only reply. She didn't even look up from her game. "I'll do crowd control in here."

"I wanna see," muttered Cid, but he fell asleep again. Sephiroth didn't say anything, his eyes glued to the screen where he was fighting Cloud. Lois rolled her eyes and opened the back door.

It was eerily quiet outside... if you happened to be deaf.

"WHOAREYOUCALLINGSOSMALLTHATHETHINKSACRACKINTHEPAVEMENTISAGREATCANYON!!"

"Brother... nobody said that."

Ed closed his mouth, his face red. "AND WOULD SOMEBODY GET THEIR BUTT OUT OF MY FACE!!"

"So _that's_ who I'm sitting on," remarked Winry. Ed blushed an even darker purple.

"EWWWWWW!!" Wrath screamed much louder than necessary.

"Would you shut up?" Envy groaned, rubbing his rear end, which had, unfortunately for him, landed on the concrete patio. "Why does this hurt?" He looked at himself confusedly.

Lust groaned. "Why...?"

Gluttony took the opportunity to yelp loudly. "My tooth broke!" He removed the bloody rock he had been trying to eat from his mouth and looked at it reproachfully.

"Never mind all that! Your valiant leader is here!" Roy jumped off of Al and struck a heroic pose.

"Not my leader, may God be praised," remarked Scar.

"How did _you_ get here?" Ed demanded angrily.

"That is irrelevant. Prepare to meet the wrath of God." Scar stuck his hand on Ed's face... and nothing happened. "What devilry is this?" he asked, surprised.

Envy snickered.

"Be silent, unholy abomination," Scar said stiffly. Envy rolled his eyes.

"Shut up."

Wrath stood up. "Mommy? Where's Mommy?" He looked around, beginning to cry.

"Shut up!" Envy snapped. Jenna burst out the door.

"Don't cry, Wrath!" she exclaimed, tackling him in a big hug.

Lois looked disappointed. "I wanted to do that." Jenna released Wrath.

"Go ahead; he needs it... and a bath. Look at all this hair!" She ruffled it as she spoke.

"I will," Lois said, taking Wrath. "Let's get you cleaned up... do you like bubble bath?"

"What's bubble bath?" Wrath asked. Lois gasped.

"You poor, deprived child!" she cried.

"I'm going inside," said Jenna.

"Okay," said Lois.

"My tooth hurts," interrupted Gluttony, who was feeling left out.

"My _butt_ hurts, but you don't see me complaining," Envy retorted, shaking his hair out.

"Let me see," said Lois. Gluttony walked over to her. "It's cracked. You need a dentist." Gluttony whimpered.

Roy snapped his fingers... and looked disappointed that nothing happened but noise.

"My butt _still_ hurts," noted Envy.

"Did you scrape it?" Lois asked.

Envy looked confused. "If I did, it should have grown back."

"Bend over." There was a pause. "Good grief! I've never seen such a strawberry!" The backs of Envy's thighs were covered in blood, soaking the snow-covered patio. She poked them experimentally, and Envy yelped.

The wind whipped around the house, and Envy shivered. Wrath was by now curled up in a little ball, shaking violently.

"Er... why are you dressed like that in the middle of January?" Lois asked.

"We obviously weren't cold," snapped Envy, the pain making him a little more ill-tempered than usual.

"Get inside," Lois ordered. "You too, Wrath... and anyone else who wants to." Everyone crammed inside... but someone was missing.

"Where's Lust?" Envy asked. Wrath looked outside... and screamed much louder than necessary.

"SHE'S ON THE GROUND!!"

"Please stop that screaming," and "Shut up!" Lois and Envy said at the same time.

"But... Lust..." Wrath said, tearing up.

"Scar, Ed," Lois said. "Please go get her." Ed looked rebellious, and Scar shook his head.

"I will not touch such an abomination," he replied. Ed seemed to agree.

"Yes, you will," replied Lois, pushing them out into the snow. "I will not let you back in until you get her." Ed seethed, and Scar sighed. "Fine," he said.

A moment later, they reappeared with Lust and threw her down on the couch.

"Not so rough," Lois reprimanded. "Jenna, please go get some damp cloths." Lust lay very still.

"Is she dead?" asked Wrath.

Lois felt her wrist. "I don't think so," she replied, taking a damp cloth from Jenna and applying it to Lust's forehead. "She's in shock," she continued. "Would somebody please call 911?"

"Have no fear!" Roy ran to the phone and punched the numbers into the keypad, marveling at a non-rotary telephone as he did so.

"911, what is your emergency?"

"This lady fell and she's in shock," Jenna said, grabbing the phone from Roy before he could say anything stupid.

"Hey!" Roy protested while Jenna gave the operator the right information.

"Jenna," Lois asked, "Would you go with the ambulance to the hospital? Envy's rear end still needs attention."

"Sure," said Jenna. The sirens screamed to a halt outside, and the next five minutes were a whirl of EMTS and stretchers.

"Okay," said Lois once they'd left. "Wrath, Gluttony? Please help me hold your friend down. Hydrogen peroxide has a tendency to sting a little."

"A little" was apparently an understatement, since everyone in the house ran to the bedroom wondering who was dying.

"GAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!" Envy had not screamed like this since his creation.

"Hold still," Lois commanded. "Gluttony, sit on him."

"No... NO!! I'LL HOLD STILL!! NOOO--AAAHH!!" Lois had taken the opportunity to pour more peroxide on his wound.

"You'll be glad we did this later," she remarked calmly.

Gluttony adjusted his position, and Envy's back popped, causing him to yell again.

Sephiroth rolled his eyes. "What a weakling."

TBC...


	5. Wipe my tears, Angel

The next day, Jenna came back with the heartening news that Lust was making a full recovery. The doctors had, however, been perplexed when Lust had flicked her hand at them, clearly expecting something to happen. When whatever was expected had _not_ happened, she had fainted dead away. The doctors were taking her in for counseling.

Sephiroth looked pleased to see Jenna. "Hello," he said, his usual cool tone laced with another undercurrent.

"Hi!" said Jenna... and right then and there, in front of everybody, he grabbed her and kissed her full on the lips.

"Wha...?" said Jenna, blushing red as a beet.

"I just could not help myself," he said, almost apologizing. "You looked... so cute..."

"Oh..." said Jenna softly, and leaned in for another kiss.

"What the freak is going on out here!?" snapped an irritable Envy, limping out of the back bedroom with gauze wrapped all down his legs.

"Well, well, well," said Sephiroth demurely, "if it is not our very own resident crybaby."

Envy stood in shock for a moment, and then his features twisted into a horrifying scowl one would not have thought possible on such a cute face.

"Oh no," whimpered Wrath, hiding behind Lois.

Envy opened his mouth, then apparently changed his mind and settled on a wicked smirk. "You look so pretty today, Sephy. Maybe you could wipe my tears sometime, angel." He moved his hips in a very feminine manner and licked his lips.

Sephiroth's eyes widened in shock. He opened and closed his mouth several times, searching for the right retort... and fell over sideways unconscious.

"Sephiroth!" screamed Jenna... while almost everyone else nearly injured themselves laughing. Wrath, however... looked very confused.

"I never thought Envy..." he whispered dazedly.

Envy smacked him upside the head. "You little twerp," he said. "Can't you tell when I'm just messing with someone?"

"Oh," said Wrath, rubbing the back of his head.

Sephiroth groaned. "Why me?" he muttered, rubbing his hip where it had hit the floor.

Envy grinned. "I never would've thought... that I could knock out Angel boy without a single punch!"

Sephiroth made a sound that could only be interpreted as a growl.

"Down, boy," said Envy... and then he suddenly found himself on the floor with Sephiroth's hands on his throat.

"All I have to do is squeeze..." Sephiroth left the threat unfinished. Envy's eyes widened and filled with tears as Sephiroth's nails dug into his windpipe.

"SMACK!!" a baseball bat crashed down onto Sephiroth's skull.

"Shame on you!" yelled Lois angrily. "All he did was tease you, and you were going to _kill_ him! HAVE YOU NO DECENCY!?"

Sephiroth merely tightened his grip on Envy's throat. "Do not waste your breath. I kill insolent people. It is my way." Envy began to cry for real, water flowing down his cheeks.

"Stop. Right. Now." Lois began to look positively frightening. Wrath handed her a meat cleaver. Sephiroth looked bored... until he flew through the air and crashed into the wall with a thud. Envy, all tears gone, looked perfectly murderous as he raised his leg to kick again. Lois smacked the meat cleaver into the table with a thud.

"No. More. Fighting."

"Yes," said Jenna.

"If you insist on trying to kill each other, we shall have to kick you out on the street," said Lois, swinging the meat cleaver for emphasis.

"We like you both," said Jenna. "We don't want you to die."

"I... love you too?" said Sephiroth, looking confusedly at Jenna.

"Whatever," said Envy, sitting down on the counter... and promptly shrieking with pain.

"You're bleeding again," said Lois in a tone that showed perhaps a little more concern than Envy deserved. "Come here." Envy rolled his eyes and came.

"Hurry up," he growled as Lois wrapped more gauze around his thighs. "Ow!" he snapped suddenly as Lois touched his throat. "Like I thought," she said. "Bruised." She flashed Sephiroth her darkest "shame on you" look and gently began wrapping that as well.

"Whatever," said Envy uncomfortably, pushing her hands away.

"Okay," Lois decided. "It's time for Wrath's bubble bath."

Wrath visibly paled. He had asked Envy what a bubble bath was the night before... and Envy's answering smirk had been very traumatic.

"Come on," said Lois, not understanding his reaction, "get into the bathroom and take your clothes off. I'll be in in a second once I find where Jenna put the bubble bath."

"I-is that it?" asked Wrath, pointing to the shelf above the toilet.

"Oh," said Lois, slightly embarrassed. "Well... she _usually_ puts things in more... _creative_ places." She took the bottle down from the shelf and started the water. "Wrath," she said suddenly, "why are you still dressed? You can't take a bath with your clothes on."

Wrath stood obstinately. "I don't wanna take a bath," he said.

"What on earth is this about?" asked Lois, opening the bottle.

"Envy said taking baths makes your nose fall off," Wrath confessed.

"Envy said what?" Lois looked peeved. "Nonsense, take off your clothes and get in the tub."

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"Yes."

Wrath tried to run past Lois and get out of the bathroom, but he was not fast enough; she had his shirt off and was working at his shorts before he could even say "No!" again. Not being used to a human woman being stronger than him, Wrath struggled and bit... and began to cry.

"Hey, there," Lois said, trying to soothe him.

"I don't want my nose to fall off!" Wrath sobbed, burying his face in her chest.

"Okay, okay... we'll just get Envy in here and clear up this little misunderstanding. ENVY!!"

A few seconds later, the afore-mentioned former homunculus stood in the doorway.

"What?" he snapped rudely.

"Don't talk to your host and nurse that way," snapped Lois back.

"Whatever," replied Envy as insolently as he could manage with such a glare being turned on him. "What _did_ you want, anyway?"

"Wrath, what happens when you take a bath?" Lois asked.

"Your nose falls off," said Wrath.

"Envy, why did you tell him that? I can't get him within a yard of the water now," Lois said, looking frustrated. Envy smirked.

"Wrath, what did I say about liking to mess with people? You little twerp. Now get in the tub. I'm sick of looking at your birthday suit," said Envy.

"Okay," said Wrath, and Lois and Envy left him happily playing with bubbles.

TBC...


	6. Family Counseling

Ed was sitting on the couch watching Fruits Basket and scowling while Yuffie cooed and giggled about all the sweetness on the floor in front of him.

"This show is so stupid," he whined. "Why does everyone have to act so gay?"

"It's not gay!" cried Yuffie indignantly. "It just shows emotion! Why do guys have to be so constipated about that stuff?"

"Sure, but why is everyone in this show pretty?"

"Because people like to look at it!" Yuffie proclaimed.

"Well, _I_ don't. I think a world where everyone is attractive is disturbing."

"What a _guy_!" said Yuffie.

"And _you_ call _me_ sexist," commented Cid, wandering in with a slice of pizza.

"I'm not," said Yuffie, "but it's pretty clear that you guys need to get in touch with your secret love of pretty, lovey-dovey, cute things!" Ed looked horrified.

"Aw... what a cute show!" said Al, coming in petting some random cat. "What's it called?"

"Fruits Basket!" Yuffie said enthusiastically.

"Yeah... like fruity _gay_," said Ed.

"I like it!" said Al, flashing a reproachful look at Ed and sitting down next to Yuffie.

Ed rolled his eyes.

Just then, Envy and Lois walked in from the bathroom, where various and sundry splashing sounds coupled with squeals and giggles signaled Wrath's newfound love of bubble bath.

"Move over, pipsqueak," said Envy. "I want to sit." Ed's face suddenly turned dark purple.

"WHOAREYOUCALLINGSOSMALLTHATTHUMBELINACALLEDHIMATINYMIDGET!!"

"You," said Envy. "Now move over before I kick you out of the way."

"I DO NOT ANSWER TO YOU, YOU STUPID INHUMAN PALM-TREE-HEADED MONSTER!!"

Envy was very quiet for a moment. "Monster, huh?" he asked, his voice dangerously low. Ed unwisely disregarded this warning sign.

"YOU HEARD ME!! OR SHOULD I REPEAT IT FOR YOU, YOU STUPID INHUMAN PALM-TR—" He suddenly sailed across the room and cracked his head against the windowsill.

"I AM NOT A MONSTER!!" Envy screamed, for once unable to hide his rage behind some sarcastic remark.

"IF IT WASN'T TRUE THEN WHY WOULD YOU BE SO SENSITIVE ABOUT IT!?" Ed yelled back.

"WELL YOU ARE A TINY MIDGET WHO GETS LOST IN A GNAT'S SHADOW!!"

"WHOAREYOUCALLINGATINYMIDGETWHO—" Ed suddenly stopped. "Did you... actually call me that?" he asked, looking both confused and angry at the same time.

"YES I DID, YOU LITTLE BREADCRUMB WHO IS EVEN TOO SMALL FOR A MOUSE TO FIND!!" Envy retorted at the top of his lungs, which were unusually strong.

"I'VE HAD IT, YOU PALM-TREE-MONSTER!!"

"I TOLD YOU NEVER TO CALL ME THAT!!"

"TIME OUT!!" screamed Jenna and Lois both. Ed and Envy jumped.

"This has gone far enough," said Jenna.

"Precisely," agreed Lois, tightening her grip on her meat cleaver. Ed and Envy both opened their mouths to say something extraordinarily rude... but she continued, "We are kicking you BOTH out if this EVER happens again. Right, Jenna?"

"Right," said Jenna. They shut their mouths.

"You two," continued Lois, "are going to have a talk. In fact, Al should join you too." Al looked up from the television.

"Okay," he said. Jenna pointed at the couch.

"Now, all of you, SIT DOWN!" she thundered.

"Now," Lois began, "you are just going to have to get over this stupid fighting."

"You," continued Jenna, "ARE ALL RELATED. NOW ACT LIKE IT!"

"Brother and I... we're related... to _Envy_?" Al looked perplexed. "But how? Brother, did you know about this?" Ed squirmed.

"Well... I... no... maybe... yes..." Al looked hurt.

"Is it true?" he demanded.

"As much as I hate it, yes," said Envy, giving Ed a dirty look.

"Why didn't you tell me, Brother? Envy was our brother this whole time and you didn't _tell_ me?"

Ed made a face. "I didn't think it was important."

"Not important? Brother, what were you thinking? To have spent all that time trying to kill our _brother_?" Al's eyes filled with tears. "How could you?"

"Never mind, wimpy," said Envy. "It wouldn't have changed anything."

"Yes, it would have," insisted Al. "I could never have fought you so hard, hurt you so badly..."

"Don't flatter yourself, wimp," said Envy. "You never hurt me any more than I hurt you... not that I didn't try. Awfully quiet over there, pipsqueak. Miss me?"

"NO!! You could be my long-lost twin and I'd still hate you!" snapped Ed.

"Brother!" reproached Al.

"Okay, okay!" said Jenna.

"No more insulting remarks from ANY of you," continued Lois, "and none of those rude nicknames either, got it?" She looked straight at Envy, who pretended not to notice.

"Um, pardon me," said Al timidly after a moment, "but you don't really _look_ like us at all."

"What'd you expect, golden eyes and long blond hair in a ponytail?"

"Well, yes..."

"No deal. Sorry, kid, but that's just not me!"

"Liar," mumbled Ed.

"Is that really true, Envy?" asked Al.

"Of course it is..." Al looked at Envy skeptically, and he stuttered a little. "...o-okay... n-not really, but... alchemy doesn't work in this world... so I couldn't show you even if I wanted to."

"Look!" said Jenna. Envy seemed to be flickering a little... was that bluish energy?

"Whatever," said Envy. "I am so not falling for one of your stupid, immature, 'made you look' tricks."

"No, really, Envy," said Al. "Look down." Envy looked, and promptly jumped nearly a foot in the air.

"YIPPEE!!" he screamed. "I GOT MY POWERS BACK!! LOOK AT ME!!"

"No, really?" said Ed sarcastically, but Envy was much too excited to get mad.

"YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY!!" he yelled childishly, jumping up and down, and as he yelled, it seemed that his voice was getting deeper. The low, rough, almost feminine voice he had for so long gifted himself with was changing, becoming less ageless, a young man's voice.

His hair shortened from long green spikes to soft, wavy locks of blond in a loose ponytail, the wispy front bangs framing a handsome face with striking golden eyes. His skin darkened from dead white to a healthily flushed light tan, and by the time the transformation was complete, he looked just like Al, just like Ed, just like... Hoenheim.

"You see, I hate that cruel, conniving, heartless idiot more than anyone else. More than Dante, more than Al, more than even you... and you know, one of the main reasons I hate you so much is that every time I look at you, I see _him_!! He left me... and made some newer, better children... and that's the other reason I hate you." He shrugged. "Sorry, I just can't help it. It's my nature. I'm Envy, right?"

"Envy," Ed explained, "is actually more of a half-brother. He's Dad and Dante's son."

"Dad and..._Dante_? Ew..." Al turned slightly green.

"I feel _so_ loved," said Envy sarcastically.

"Yeah, whatever, you pathetic loser, and just so you know, your being my half-brother doesn't make you any less of a disgusting, unnatural, inhuman monster," said Ed.

"Brother!" cried Al, but Ed had only just begun.

"You're dead. Dead four hundred years ago. And I don't count the dead among my family. If you were even worth knowing at some point, your time is long past, and I will never think of you as anything else but a monster that needs killing. I did the same to my dead mother, _brother_."

Envy stood abruptly. "I assure you, the feeling is mutual, midget human," he growled through his teeth as he stalked out of the room.

"Envy! Wait!" called Al, but he was already gone.

TBC...


	7. Self Harm

The next day...

Lois sighed. "Jenna," she said, "I don't think that worked."

"You think?" Jenna retorted, looking up from where she was consoling herself with brownies.

"Well, it's our fault for making them sit down together," Lois said sadly.

"_Together_ being the problem," noted Jenna. "Maybe we should talk to them separately."

"That might work better," admitted Lois. A thought occurred to her. "Jenna... where's Wrath?"

"What? I thought _you_ were watching him!"

"I haven't seen him since... oh no!" Lois cried, running to the bathroom and throwing the door open... only to be met by a flood of bubbles. "Wrath?" she called, peering into the soapy atmosphere. "Wrath?" There was no reply. "WRATH?!"

"Lois!" the little boy's voice sang happily. "Do you want to play too?"

"Not if I can't even SEE YOU!!" Lois snapped, sounding both relieved and angry. "How much of that stuff did you use?"

"Um... all of it?" Wrath said, looking puzzled. "Was I supposed to save some for later?"

"A _capful_ would have been sufficient," Lois said in an annoyed tone.

"Oh," said Wrath in a small voice, sounding as if he were about to cry.

"Don't worry about it," said Lois, feeling bad about being so hard on the little child. After all, he'd never used the stuff before. How was he supposed to know?

"Lois," Wrath said after a minute, "I like bubble bath."

"Great!" said Lois. "Then I guess you'll _love_ helping me clean it all up!"

"No..." whined Wrath.

"On a happier note," grinned Lois, "you made that mess all by yourself, so..."

"No! Please help me!" cried Wrath, looking frightened.

"Naw," drawled Lois lazily. "Have fun!" she said, walking away, leaving a very distraught young boy with a sponge in his hand.

LINE

"Okay," said Lois, coming back into the room where Jenna had not budged from her brownie comfort zone, "that situation is now under control. Let's go see the boys."

"Who should talk to whom?" asked Jenna.

"Well, I have to admit I'm a little too ticked off at the midget to have a very productive conversation with him at the moment," said Lois, "so I'll take Envy."

"Okay," said Jenna. "That leaves me with the super-tiny pipsqueak."

"Just be glad he didn't hear you say that," said Lois, walking toward the room Envy shared with Wrath and several other people. "We'll regroup in about... say, an hour, and see how it went, okay?"

"That's great!" said Jenna, heading off toward the domicile Edward occupied. Lois sighed and continued toward the emphatically slammed door.

"Envy?" she said, not wanting to be kicked to death on a reflex if she just walked in. There was no reply... just some sort of strange sigh and groan. "Envy? Envy, what are you doing in there?" The silence continued. "If you don't say something, I'm coming in there," threatened Lois, but her only response was a sharp intake of breath and a quick scuffle like something being hastily put away. "Okay," said Lois, "I warned you," and she opened the door. He was sitting on his bed, his usual clothes on and an obviously fake smirk on his face.

"Worried about me, O Smart One?" he said in that irritating gloating tone of his, but Lois heard a tiny quake in his voice.

"Envy, what were you doing before I came in here?" she asked. A tiny shiver of uncertainty pierced his grin for a second, but he quickly hid it.

"None of your business, nosy," he shot back.

"I'm not stupid," said Lois. "Whatever it was, if it's something you can't tell me about, then you didn't need to be doing it." A bead of moisture was forming along the edge of his left-hand glove. He quickly wiped it away on his shirt.

"It's nothing," he insisted. Lois pointed at his arm.

"Give that here." He hesitated for a second.

"No."

"Now."

"No."

"_Now_."

"No."

"NOW." There was a long pause.

"No." Lois leapt and grabbed his arm. Envy swore and pushed her off, but she was too busy staring at her hand where she had touched him to notice much; blood covered her palm.

"What in the name of everything important and powerful have you been doing?" she asked, looking straight at him. She looked again at the blood on her hand and a reluctant understanding came across her face. "Where is it?"

"Where's what?" Envy asked, the dazed, horrified expression of someone caught doing something they're deeply ashamed of on his face.

"Where is the knife?"

"I don't know what you're talking about," he said quickly, trying to cover his guilt.

"Shut up. I am not mentally impaired in any way. I know what you've been doing. Give it here." Envy looked at the floor. "Now." He slid his hand under his pillow, pulled out a razor blade and handed it to her. A look of understanding passed over her face. "So that's where it was," she said softly. A long moment passed, and she finally said, "I'm going to need you to take your glove off."

Envy gave up on pretending there was nothing wrong, slid slowly to the floor and peeled the dripping piece of black cloth from his arm. Lois sat down beside him and pulled out a bandage, cotton balls, and some hydrogen peroxide. Envy's eyes widened at the sight of the antiseptic.

"I have no pity for you on that account," said Lois. "You did this yourself, so be a man and can it." She carefully wiped the blood away from his wrist and gasped. "This is really deep, you idiot!"she snapped. "You trying to die?"

Envy looked uncomfortable.

"This," Lois continued, "is one conversation you are NOT getting out of." She opened the peroxide bottle, dabbed some onto a cotton ball, and began sterilizing his wounds. "How long have you been doing this?" she asked, working as she spoke.

"Dunno exactly... started around when the idiot left," Envy replied after a moment's thought.

"How long ago was that?" Lois asked.

"Four hundred years, give or take a few."

"Wow," said Lois sadly. "Do you always cut this deep?"

"Deeper. I've actually sawed it off once or twice." Lois looked upset. "No big deal, though. It always grew back."

"So... why?" Lois asked, almost afraid to pry.

"Because my life sucks, and it helped me feel something other than angry all the time," he replied in a much softer voice than usual.

"You do realize that's just you being mad at yourself, right?" Lois said.

"What's not to hate? I'm the 'disgusting, unnatural, inhuman monster'," Envy said bitterly.

"You really believe that about yourself?" Lois said, feeling deeply sad.

"Not believe. Know. And I don't care either," said Envy, trying to look callous and indifferent.

"Mm_hmm_... and that's why you harm yourself over it," Lois said, rolling her eyes.

"That's not why!"

"Then why?" Envy didn't reply, looking at the floor. "Hm?" There was another long pause, and a softer look came into Lois's eyes. "Look, you don't have to play tough with me. I found you cutting, for crying out loud!" She put her hand on his arm emphatically, looked a little embarrassed, and drew it away.

"Well," said Envy, "If I don't play tough, you don't play like you can't touch me without squirming. It won't embarrass me, and acting like I'm a hot stove just hurts my feelings and doesn't much help my 'self-esteem'."

"Fine," said Lois, putting her hand on his shoulder and rubbing in a circular massaging motion.

"Look..." said Envy after a little while, "I'm not a good person to waste perfectly good time being nice to. If you just leave me alone for a while, I'll get over it."

"You idiot," Lois said, gently smacking the back of his head. "If you knew me at all, you'd know that it's just not in my nature to 'leave you alone' when it's obvious something's wrong. I'm not going anywhere until you feel better."

"No, really. I'm likely to hurt you, and that's not just your emotions."

"Everyone hurts other people sometimes," said Lois, finishing the bandage and gathering her courage to hug him.

"At least you don't mean it," said Envy.

"You'd be surprised," said Lois, leaning in toward him for a hug.

"Never," said Envy, and he wrapped his arms around her tightly. Lois buried her face in his wispy golden hair, and felt just barely level-headed enough to hear him say, "Thank you."

"Envy," asked Lois after a little while, "why are you still in your true form? I thought you hated it."

"I... can't change back." Envy shrugged "Believe me, I've tried... but I think that my last... shift... was the alchemical energy that held my adorable form together finally dissipating forever in your... non-alchemical world."

Lois thought for a moment. "You know, when a _guy_ calls himself adorable..."

"Whatever, O Smart One," Envy grinned.

"...it's unique, arrogant, and very cute." Lois smiled.

"Cute?" Envy looked a little puzzled.

"Yes. Adorable." Lois grinned.

"Hm..." Envy smirked. He looked down at her. "So are you, in your own Smart One way." He leaned down and unexpectedly covered her mouth with his. He was very gentle... Lois had never been kissed before. It felt very good. He was much softer than she would have thought, for some reason... he broke the kiss, and she gasped for breath.

"Well, don't suffocate, Smart One!"

"Shut up, you dork!" Lois snapped.

"With pleasure!" He kissed her again. This time, he let it last longer... once again, like everything wonderful, it came to an end. He pulled her to his chest, and she could hear his heart beating... it seemed much slower than her own... He was very warm...

Two hours later, a worried Jenna came to check on them... and found them curled up on the ground together, asleep.

"Aw...!"

TBC...


	8. The Reunion

Just after the deep and meaningful conversation of the last chapter, Jenna had a very different conversation with a rather irritable shorty.

"_KNOCK-KNOCK!"_ Jenna's knuckles rapped on the door to the room Edward shared with Alphonse, Roy, and, of all people, Cid, Red XII, and Sephiroth. Jenna reddened a little at the thought of Sephiroth... but quickly regained her focus when Ed whipped the door open and glared at her with an intensity that was rather frightening and yet somewhat comical given that all he was wearing was his blue boxers.

"Er... sorry," Jenna said. "I didn't mean to wake you... or did I?"

"WHAT EXACTLY ARE YOU IMPLYING!?"

"Uh... I'm not implying anything! I just wanted to talk to you... alone."

"WHAT KIND OF PERSON DO YOU TAKE ME FOR!?"

"Whatever you think I'm thinking of... I'm not, and I don't take you for anything!"

"..." Ed looked a little embarrassed. "Oh."

"Okay!" Jenna said. "Everybody else out! We need to talk."

"Oh... Ed's in _trouble_..." Red XII smirked as he walked out. Sephiroth said nothing... but an evil little grin showed his enjoyment of the situation.

"Perhaps you should _dress_ for the occasion," Roy suggested.

"SHUT UP!!" Ed screamed. "THERE IS NO REASON TO INSINUATE INAPPROPRIATE THINGS!! GROW UP!! I THOUGHT YOU WERE AN ADULT!!"

"Adulthood should never signal the end of a good sense of humour," Sephiroth put in.

"What the General said!" agreed Roy, who had been bonding with Sephiroth over the keen love for power and hatred of paperwork they apparently shared.

"There is no need to address me by my rank, Colonel," said Sephiroth.

"Gee, thanks, Sephy!"

"Er... _Sephiroth_, if you don't mind, Roy... unless you would enjoy my calling you Flamey-poo." Roy turned an interesting shade of purple.

"That's all right, Sephiroth... _Roy_ is just fine..."

"Just get out of here, all of you!" Jenna snapped good-humouredly. The three reluctantly walked out. "You too, Alphonse." Al sighed.

"Okay..." he shuffled out slowly.

Once everyone else was gone, Jenna turned to look at Ed, who had hastily donned some of Alphonse's board shorts and a pink T-shirt belonging to... well, who knew?

"Ed... exactly why _do_ you hate Envy?"

"NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS YOU BIG FAT NOSY WENCH!!"

Jenna sighed. "I'm not fat... not even close, idiot." She picked him up by his pink collar. "Want a swirly?"

"Uh... what's that?"

"It's where I flush your head down the toilet," Jenna explained, grinning evilly. Ed paled a little.

"You have far too much in common with the monster to be healthy..." he muttered, looking a little ill.

"He has a name," Jenna pointed out.

"Yeah, sure, whatever. He doesn't call me by mine," Ed grumbled.

"If you don't want the swirly, now tell me," Jenna said, coming quickly back to business. Ed rolled his eyes.

"Whatever." He paused for a moment. "Have you ever met one of those people who, whether they try or not, just absolutely rub you the wrong way in every way no matter what they do?"

"Yeah, I've met one of those people," admitted Jenna. "Ed, we all have things in our lives that we don't like, but that doesn't mean we have to try to beat them up all the time. Envy's not really a monster, he's just one of those things, and you're trying to get rid of him by killing him in every way you know how. I don't think that's right."

"And he doesn't? The hatred is mutual, I know. He hurts me and everyone I care about... AND WHO THE HECK ARE YOU TO TELL ME WHAT A MONSTER IS AND ISN'T!?" Ed paused for a moment. "I've met monsters and monsters, and I tell you he's one of the worst to ever walk Shamballa."

"Listen, Ed. Lois found him cutting earlier thanks to you."

"Who cares? Best case scenario, he forgets he's mortal on Earth and hacks his veins open, thereby bleeding to death and relieving the world of his existence."

"Ed, he's mad at himself for fighting you. We can bring him in to talk to you if you want."

"Tell him I said to jump into the transformer box at the end of the road."

"I will not," Jenna said. "That's it. We're bringing him in. Obviously, nothing I can say will make you reasonable."

"NO, YOU WILL NOT!! IF YOU DO, I SWEAR I'LL BEAT HIS BRAINS OUT WITH THE HANDIEST BLUNT INSTRUMENT!!"

"No, you will not," said Lois's voice. "If you so much as attempt such an action, we shall all enjoy Edward-steak for dinner." She stepped into the room, hefting her meat cleaver in one hand... while the other held Envy's.

"YOU DID _NOT _JUST HOOK UP WITH THAT SOULLESS ABOMINATION!!"

"Edward, sit down and stop shouting. We shall not hear you better if we are deaf." Lois waved the meat cleaver at the bed.

"Go to heck," Ed whined, sitting down. Lois guided Envy to the other side of the bed.

"Okay," she said. "Last time we tried this, an important member of the Elric family did not get a say in what went on. Alphonse, you have the floor." Al stepped into the room and looked apologetically at Ed.

"I know that Brother may not agree with what I have to say," he began a little timidly, "but that's okay since I am a different person." He paused and looked straight at Envy. "Envy," he said, frowning, "you have made Brother and I miserable in every conceivable way, sparing no effort in your quest to utterly destroy us, and for that reason, I have every reason to hate you into eternity," he paused, and his facial expression softened a little, "but your hatred for Father and for us by association also taught me something about what happens to a person who lets their anger and hatred last for most of their life." Al paused for breath and looked Envy straight in the eyes, even then seeming stunned by the golden brilliance they had inherited from Hoenheim. "Envy, I forgive you for everything, because I don't want to end up like you... and because I always wanted more people to care for. Brother used to be all I had, but I want you to be my brother too..." he looked sideways at Ed, "... and I want us all to get along... like my Mom would have wanted."

Ed's scowl broke into a shamefaced frown, and he looked at the floor with an intensity that such a boring location should never merit.

"Envy," Al continued, "I don't know if you can overcome all those centuries of hatred quickly, and I will fight you if you continue trying to hurt Brother and I, but even if you never forgive us for being born, for replacing you to Father, I will never hate you. To me, you will never again be Envy, the evil, 'disgusting, unnatural, inhuman monster'" here he turned to glance at Ed, "homunculus. To me," he said, turning back to look at Envy, "you are, and will always be, William... my brother." Envy looked stunned.

"Is that... really how you feel about it?" he asked, as if he thought that Jenna and Lois had put Al up to such a statement.

"Yes, William... or can I please call you Will? It's shorter to say," replied Al sincerely.

"Little brother... you can call me whatever you want." Envy smiled uncertainly, the expression looking foreign on his face after all the years he'd spent smirking evilly. He hesitated a moment, and Al leaned forward and hugged him. He looked, once again, quite surprised, but he returned the embrace after a moment.

"Envy?" Ed's voice broke into the moment timidly.

"What, pipsqueak?" Envy growled from where he was awkwardly patting Al's back.

"Well, maybe... just _maybe_, mind you... I was a little bit of a jerk... and living in this house with you is going to be miserable if... well, what I'm trying to say is..."

"Sweet Mother of Pipsqueak, is the hyper-tiny midget trying to apologize?" Envy asked in his most annoying, and yet, to people who knew him well, defensive tone of voice. Ed didn't even turn red. Instead, he looked straight at Envy.

"Envy, I am not nearly as good as Alphonse. I am not as patient; I do not forgive as easily; and I am a jerk about kitties." Al opened his mouth to argue, but Ed silenced him with a motion. "I have made no secret of the fact that I utterly despise your pasty butt and would love to see you dismembered repeatedly. However, and stop me if I'm wrong, I think that, perhaps, we have been taking out on each other a hatred that we really share for someone else."

"The idiot," Envy stated rather than asked.

"Exactly," Ed agreed, "and until we realize that, we're not going to get along at all, so let's come to an agreement: we are not going to waste our energy on each other any more. Instead, we will focus on the person we have a real bone to pick with. In the mean time, we will try to get along; I mean, we stand a much better chance of teaching that idiot a lesson if we work together, right?" Envy thought a moment, and then slowly nodded his assent.

"You know, it was never personal. It's like I said. I hate the guy who used to be my dad. It was always him. It will always be him. The only reason I picked on you was to get at him... but I guess I don't have to look quite so far to find someone who looks like him anymore, huh?" he admitted, pulling at a strand of his bright golden hair ruefully. "Anyway, let's end it, as you say... save it for the guy who actually deserves it."

"Okay," Ed said. "Hey, Will. No more hacking veins open, if you please."

"Whatever, Fullmetal— HEY!!" he was interrupted by a sharp jab in the ribs from Lois.

"You said you'd try to get along... now actually _try,"_ she said. "You're going to need to start calling people by their names, rather than these weird, rude nicknames you keep giving everybody."

"Whatever you say, O Smart One."

"There rests my case."

"Sure... you know you like it, O Smart One," Envy countered, pulling her in for a kiss.

"Ugh... we're still in here," Ed remarked.

"Then get out."

on

"Ew..."

"Make it snappy, O Pipsqueak. I want to kiss my girlfriend without someone saying 'ew' in the background. It ruins the magic."

"Like there's anything magical about your mashing your face on some poor innocent girl."

"Just leave. You don't need to be getting any weird satisfaction by watching."

"WHOAREYOUCALLINGAPERVERT!!" Envy blinked.

"So his height _isn't_ the only thing he's sensitive about..."

"What are you guys talking about?" asked Wrath, coming into the room with an exhausted wheeze.

"Uh... are you okay, brat?" Envy asked.

"That bathroom... hard work... must sleep..." Wrath managed to say before collapsing on the floor asleep.

"Aw..." Lois said.

TBC...


End file.
